I can text with my tongue
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my shit smells like andre
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
