all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
No subtext here. People are naked.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize