I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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