I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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