I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he shaved USA in his pubs
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Two words: nipple clamps
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