she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
