you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
