You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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