How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
