I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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