If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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