textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I cut my penus on the lid.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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