someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
