fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
