it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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