Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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