I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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