billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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