Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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