I should be sponsored by Trojan
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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