piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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