My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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