I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
