her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
