When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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