I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
