I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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