I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
