right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
