everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Randomize