i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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