My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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