Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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