she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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