Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
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I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
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The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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