Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
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He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
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I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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