my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
How does one acquire holy water?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
