come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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