did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I can't turn off my feet"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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