i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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