Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
