you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize