I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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