Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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