Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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