Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
