Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
