We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
