I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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