This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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