there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
