Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
