Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
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I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
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That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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