Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I have feelings that need drinking.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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