people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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